Facing The Truth

#Truth #72DWC #ChangeYourStory #Growth #Recovery #Shareand

Day Two Of The 72 Day Writing Challenge

I was having a smoke last night and thinking about what I would write about to today when it hit me,” Oh fuck. People are reading this and I’m not sure how much I want to share,” There was a moment of fear about what I was getting myself into. But then I remember how being honest is one of the best ways to improve in life and I decided that I would be candid and vulnerable. I’m not going to try to say that I’m not still a little afraid of the repercussions that may arise with full honesty, but based of the reaction I received yesterday, I’ve concluded that not being honest with others is one of the best ways to fail.

It’s silly in a way. I’ve always been a mostly honest person and I’ve learned from many experiences that honesty is truly the best policy. Two recent events stick out very boldly in my memory of why this is the case.

I tried to relapse the weekend before Halloween. Tried is the key word as I was thankfully not successful. A big reason why this was the case is the honesty about my tendency toward addiction that I have had with people that I interact with daily. The story goes like this.

I was not feeling very well emotionally, and looking back, the reasons were silly. I was under the impression that I would be working on Halloween. My first reaction was to be negative but the second was worse. I felt that even if I wasn’t scheduled, I didn’t have anything to do or anybody to do it with which felt worse. I fell into a woe is me attitude with an extreme case of the “fuck-its.” When I got home from work on that Sunday night I started trying to get a hold of someone who would be able to get me a gram of cocaine.

I started going through my call logs, text messages, and snap contacts trying to find a way to reach one of my many old plugs. It’s funny how creative one can get in such a circumstance as I was able to recall that I had texted someone a dealer’s number before going to rehab and was able to find that text and number. Luckily the connection had deleted/changed his number or wasn’t answering. I resigned myself to asking someone from work if they knew anybody and was thankful that they turned out to be a great friend.

She asked who it was for, and after a roundabout, I admitted that it was intended for me because I wasn’t feeling hot. “Fuck that Danny. I’m not helping you get that. If you’re feeling down and want to meet up to talk about it let’s do that. But I’m not helping you get any.” It was not what I expected, and I am thankful that was the response I received. I went to bed feeling better because I realized that I had been pretty damn successful at protecting myself from my most dangerous adversary; myself.

A few weeks later another coworker, asking about my ‘glory days’, said that he really wished he could party with me one time. He sent a text a few days later, and mind you this is a good dude who is just a little young and didn’t comprehend the magnitude of what I have dealt with, saying that the two of us should go out secretly one night and rage. He said that no one had to know, and he would keep it a complete secret. I explained to him that I could not start lying in that manner. One lie leads to another, and before too long, one will find that they are back into a life of deceit that is filled with trying to keep stories straight and appearances proper. He understood and apologized for even asking.

These are just two instances in the recent past that have strengthened my understanding of the importance that honesty plays in our everyday lives. Honesty, especially with oneself, can be very difficult. But it is critical to have a candid appraisal with yourself as it leads to an outward honesty that the people around you really appreciate.

So, as I wrap up today’s post, I will finish with a promise. I will be honest despite some of the ugliness of my story and embarrassment that goes with it. Fortunately, there are many bright moments that accompany the bad. That is the wonder of life. No matter how bad things may seem, there are glimmers of light that can be looked upon with joy and gratitude.

Cheers,

Danny

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