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  • Writer's pictureDanny Turner

I think It's Time To Finally Quit Smoking

This Bastard has been eyeing me for years.

That mustached little red guy has been staring at me on and off over the years like a peeping tom who just won the pervert lotto because a model moved in next door. What the hell is he? Well first off let’s give him a name. How about Skip because I’ve skipped over the point of him for at least 6 years.

My little brother was a kick ass gymnast, an All-American at Stanford in fact. He was the Able to my Cain. He did everything right while I generally did not do so well in the decision-making arena. I can’t recall exactly if he was in high school or early in his college career when gymnastics took him on a trip to Japan to compete with their national team. Whatever the case, he brought Skip home as a souvenir for his good ol’ big brother.

Skip is apparently an item from Japanese culture that is used to aide one in reaching a goal. You make a goal, color in one eye, and color in the second eye when you reach your goal. Skip keeps an eye on you while you are working toward your goal. When you reach it, he uses both eyes to see you in all your glory. I’m making this up, but hell, it sounds good right?

At the time, I considered smoking my biggest vice. I should clarify, smoking tobacco, because I didn’t see pot as an issue at the time. Everyone knows that smoking is terrible. I have two living grandparents who are both doing well in their 90’s. Their spouses smoked and died in their 60’s. I never met my grandfather, but I got to watch my awesome grandmother, who was a crafting whiz, wither away to a 70-pound living skeleton before passing on. Despite this, I’ve smoked since I was 18. Stupid. I’ll repeat that. Fucking Stupid!!

I think it was Twain who said, “Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times.” If it wasn’t, it sure sounds like something Marky Mark would say.

I’m in the same boat, except it’s probably been at least a thousand times. I think I managed about 6 weeks when I was 19 before I started working at a restaurant where everyone smoked. On the bright side, I wasn’t smoking meth with some of the other cooks. If it was 10 years later, I probably would have been tossing the best pizzas at Claim Jumpers spun like a record. The longest streak I’ve been able to put together more recently was about a week in 2016. I learned that meth is a damn good nicotine replacement aid for about 4 days. Then you crash and the first thing you want when you wake up is something to smoke. At that point, I was out of drugs and had broken my pipe. So, cigarettes it was.

I’ve been smoking less recently because someone gave me a JUUL about 6 weeks ago. I’m consuming more nicotine overall in my estimation, but I’ve noticed feeling more energized in and out of the gym. My hunch is that this is a result of taking in a little less smoke. The smoke from the Camp Fire was also a big wake up. I listened with about as much empathy as a cat has for a mouse as non-smokers complained at how the smoky air was wreaking havoc on their breathing. “Really?” I said. I’m not bothered a bit. That’s not a good sign.

I’m on my last JUUL pod in my pack now, and I’ve been telling myself for the last 3 packs that I would start popping my Nicorette gum instead and not buy anymore Swishers. That’s right, I smoke Swishers. I’m the only person in California that smokes straight Swishers. On a side note, buy JUUL stock when they have their IPO. Did you know the company is a unicorn with a valuation of like $15.2B? They applied the razor model to an addictive substance – pure genius. If you feel bad about it. Donate some of the returns to the American Cancer Society.

Returning to the point. I’m quitting tomorrow. I should not have smoked anything before tomorrow’s post and I will be honest about how I am doing. If you read this and catch me smoking, I hereby give you permission to punch me in the nuts and laugh. Don’t worry about, Skip has your back.

Ps. Like and share. It will help me stay committed to the quit. And get more views.

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